Not in Front of the Corgis; Secrets of Life Behind the Royal Curtains

The thing that is the most fun about Not in Front of the Corgis: Secrets of Life Behind the Royal Curtains (#394) by longtime BBC correspondent Brian Hoey is the badly photoshopped picture of a corgi wearing a miniature gold crown on the front cover.  It definitely goes downhill once you open the book.

Brian Hoey appears to be so mindful of his access to the Royal  households that he reduces the contents to a dull (and I do mean DULL!) recitation of facts and statistics concerning the staffing and upkeep of the various Royal establishments.  I'll bet you were just dying to know that one of the top sellers in the Royal Collection of souvenirs on sale in palace gift shops is the Queen Victoria Tankard at 30 pounds apiece, or that the starting salary for a footman or housemaid is 13, 634 pounds per year, from which 17.5% of their take-home pay is deducted to pay for their room and board, as they are required to live in.  (It used to be free!)  Since in Mr. Hoey's estimation the opportunity and prestige to be gained by working for Royalty is incalculable, anyone hired at these below average wages should be suitably grateful. 

And of course, each of the employees who have been with the Royals for any length of time is uniformly devoted to the Royal family, diligent and unstinting in the performance of their duties and otherwise eligible for sainthood.  The exception to this is the former Head of the Royal Collections who was a third cousin of the late Queen Mother, and, oh yes, a Soviet spy.  But he did know how to dress and behave properly at social functions since he was "one of THEM", so all was forgiven until the Queen was finally forced by circumstances to revoke his KCVO (Knight Commander of the Victorian Order - given solely by the monarch at his or her own discretion for exceptional personal services to the Crown) and pull his cherished Club memberships. 

The only other people that Mr. Hoey is snarky about all seem to be Americans. Of the few motheaten  anecdotes we're actually treated to in this "tell nothing" book, a disproportionate share seem to be about Americans.  We make easy targets because nothing will personally redound on Hoey  would be my guess.  We're very boorish because we don't know the proper etiquette for meeting Royalty.  Quelle surprise!  You'd think someone would have mentioned to this Brit that we formed a democracy awhile back.  He complains particularly of the "hundreds" of Secret Service agents who absolutely overwhelmed the Staff dining hall at Buckingham Palace during the Obamas' State Visit.  He says they "refused" to stand in the cafeteria line to pick up their food because it was not the "American way".  Has Mr. Hoey ever seen a scene in a movie or American TV series that featured that American mainstay, the school cafeteria?  Guess not.  And this after he spent numerous pages on how the Buckingham Palace staff was in an uproar when the 5 Staff Dining Rooms with their downstairs hierarchy and clubby atmosphere for the senior staff were melded into the single facility in a Draconian cost cutting move!  Apparently it's not the British Royal Household way, either!

Mr. Hoey's idea of a huge secret revealed is to note that when the Duke of Kent's chauffeur of 18 years died, the Duke himself attended the funeral, instead of the normal Royal custom of sending a personal representative instead.  Too bad the recipient wasn't around to appreciate this singular honor.


The corgis themselves hardly rate a mention although they do apparently create quite a bit of work and annoyance to the staff due to their nasty habits.

In short, even if you're a Royal fan, like me, don't waste your time or money here.  Pick up something juicy by Andrew Morton instead.